I’m a fake

brains

Techno overload

It’s true. I am. I pretend to be a Twitter user but I’m not really.  I know – now you’re all gasping in disbelief and unliking my posts and defollowing me. But before you condemn me, hear my pleas for mercy!

You see, I’ve had this Twitter account for several years. And every 18 months or so, I brush off the cobwebs that remember my password (not that hard, I only have two … oops, shouldn’t have said that) and get back online and try to be a Twit ..Tweeter … whatever it is. And I fail. Miserably. This is attempt number four. Hopefully, this one will stick.

Maybe it’s because I’m *cough* older. Maybe it’s because I discovered blogging and Facebooking first and there’s not enough capacity in my brain to take on Tweeting as well. Are Tweeters Facebookers too? Is it like Chocolate v Strawberry milkshakes? What is it about Twitter that’s so cool? High-profile entertainers seem to love it … in hindsight, perhaps that’s not such a great thing though. They seem to get themselves into an awful lot of trouble with just 144 characters. You’d think people who make their living via communication would be better at it … oh, wait. They have scriptwriters, don’t they? And you never hear of a scriptwriter getting themselves into trouble by saying dumb things in writing in front of millions of people (you can delete it all you want, Justin Bieber, but it will always be there screensaved on people’s phones, you sad has-been at such a young age).

I know that Twitter has street cred. I can see that, just by the reach this silly little blog has gotten in a few posts – far more than my old one did four years ago. I was so pleased the day I had more than four followers and one of them was not my family. It was a strange and exhilarating experience to think that complete strangers liked what poured out of my brain and onto the screen.  It’s like all those likes you get on a Facebook comment that you’ve crafted carefully to sound smart and witty and self-depreciating so that people will hear what you’re saying but noone will ever take offence or think you’re boasting (except for those seven weeks travelling through Japan and Europe – pretty sure people got offended at our boasting then. But screw them, we were on our honeymoon and our lives are generally too dull to post).

I just don’t know how to use Twitter effectively. Anyone got any tips? Why do you use Twitter? How does it fit into your daily life? I’d really like to know.

A little bit grey today …

robin grey

An open face. A tired and troubled soul. His ability to make us laugh will be sorely missed.

Everyone who hasn’t been living under a rock (or on a hilltop in remote Iraq avoiding being slaughtered … but that’s another blog entirely) has heard the sad news of Robin Williams’ passing.  I really didn’t want to get on that bandwagon – I don’t know him personally, I’ve never met him, I have no real rights to grieve his death – and yet … it haunts me.

Robin Williams reminded me so much of my dad – who also died at age 63. My dad looked similar, his laugh was just as loud and instantly recognisable and he also hid a struggle with depression and disease behind the jokes and sociable outward face he presented to the world.

As anyone who has lived with someone with depression knows, there is really nothing you can do to help them. My dad described it as being stuck down a huge hole and just not having the energy to pull yourself out.  For a long time, I didn’t really understand what he meant. How could you just not make yourself happy?  Especially when you have a roof over your head, money in the bank, family and friends that adore you?  Then I went through a very stressful and, to date, the most difficult time in my life …

“Ah. Hello, hole. I believe you know my dad?”

And Robin Williams, apparently.

See, the thing with depression is you never fully recover from it. It’s always looming in the background, ready to tap you on the shoulder when life’s hurdles start making you jump. A little bit of stress and all of a sudden, there you are. In the bathroom. Trying to put your makeup on to get to work on time whilst sobbing for no apparent reason.

You know what the reason is, though. And you learn to adopt practices to try and sidestep that gaping black hole both terrifying and tempting. You know it will actually pass, if you can just make it through the morning. The day. This week.

Dad used to give himself 24 hours. He was allowed to wallow at the bottom of the hole for a day and then it was time to resume the mad scrabble up the sides to reach the light.

Life for me has become so much better since my dark hole days, but every now and then depression gives me a little tweak, just to let me know it’s waiting for me should I ever drop my guard.  But back in the days when it wasn’t so great, those days when I would wake to a crying jag, I knew I’d have trouble dragging myself to work but once there, the people I worked with would lift my spirits just by being themselves and by lunchtime, the light would be breaking through the thunderclouds.

I used to promise myself to concentrate on the fun jobs that I enjoyed and the crappy stuff could wait a day. (I was the boss, which was handy.) I was gentle and kind to my soul, making no demands and forgiving transgressions (“You want that cupcake? Have at it. You can exercise it off tomorrow”). I tried to go for a walk in the sunshine, or in summer tried to do a few laps at the pool. Or just settled for a bath.  Anything that would soothe and re-balance the chemicals in my brain causing me to feel funky.

Did Robin have little rituals and promises he made to himself? I’ll bet he did. But the recently revealed fact he was in the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease must have been just too much. No amount of rituals or promises would spare him from traveling that path. 

I hope he knows that he took a piece of the world’s heart with him when he died.

He will be missed.