And now for something completely different …

I have a thing for circles lately. I don’t know if there’s a hidden message in it. Maybe I’m subconsciously thinking I’m back at square one in the circle of life (possibly a mixed metaphor there but whatever).

Once again,  I have a small baby which means I’ve pretty much lost my independence for a while – at least until she’s weaned.  But it’s not so much the constant demands on my time, sleep and body that troubles me.

It’s money.

Even though I’ve been doing a little bit of work here and there, it hasn’t been regular and has equated to little more coffee money (once upon a time they called it pin money – but who needs that many pins?).

It certainly hasn’t been anything that could cover some expenses while I’m on maternity leave. Fortunately I go back to work in a few months – and I say fortunately because I can’t stand not bringing money into the house.

Money is such a touchy subject for me. In my first marriage, I felt incredibly guilty about not working for the first six years, even though the main reason was that we had three kidlets under the age of five and could not have afforded the childcare costs.  At that stage, I only had the qualifications to be a check-out chick – so I would have basically just handed over my wage each week. Add to that the fact we were in the Army and moved on average once a year and my prospects were really poor.

Even though it seemed the logical choice to wait until they went to school – I ended up getting permanent part-time work when the youngest was 12 months old – I was made to feel that I was a burden because I didn’t earn money. And it wasn’t my imagination either – he said those very words to me years later.  It may have just been the divorce talking but it still stabs me right in the heart to recall it.

Nowadays there are so many articles highlighting the ability of stay-at-home mums to improve the lifestyle of a regular household. After all, they cook, they clean, they mind your child … if dad plays his cards right, he may get some “personal time” …

To pay for all that (and I don’t actually think they included ‘personal time’ in their sums) calculates to some ridiculous six-figure amount.  Even though it seems a terrible shame to put a price on motherhood, at least it gives us a measuring stick in terms that modern society can understand.

So I work hard to enjoy these precious 10 months or so that I have with Little Miss before we all get thrust back into the fast-running stream of work, daycare, home, chores, bed, repeat. I budget whilst making sure we still have a bit of fun. I do what work I can from home to bring in a little extra.

But even though it’s a totally different situation with a totally different partner who I know doesn’t have the same viewpoint, I still can’t seem to shut up those niggling inner demons about being perceived as a burden and not pulling my weight.

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Books I like a.k.a Influential Literature

One of my favourite books of all time is Watership Down, a tale of adventure involving a group of rabbits.  If you’ve only watched the movie, you’d be forgiven for thinking it’s a children’s story but it, as with many tales involving animals as main protagonists, is so much more.

My Dad read it first then gave it to me, saying “Here. Give this a try. You might not get all of it but it’s a good story.” I’m not too sure how old I was at the time but it was probably around 14, as I do know I was in high school but only about Year 7 or 8.

And he was right. I didn’t get a lot of it until I reread it as an adult but at the heart is a great little story about a bunch of rabbits following Hazel, the First Follower of his Lone Nut brother Fiver, to find a new area to establish a rabbit colony.

As with all adventures, there’s excitement and danger along the way in most forms you would expect but some that take you by surprise.

I think I’ve read it about 4 times since that first time waayyyyy back as a burgeoning teenager and every time I’ve found a new message hidden between the lines – usually something that directly correlates to whatever’s happening in my life at the time.

So with this drawing thing, I thought for my next subject I’d do a rabbit from Watership Down. Actually, I thought I’d do a whole series of drawings from WD and plaster them all over Little Miss’s room … then I remembered the not-so-cute parts of the story and wondered if that was such a good idea.

Maybe I’ll just do one of El-ahrairah, the mythical “Prince with a thousand enemies” and leave it at that.

This one is pretty simple but at least it didn’t take me a week to put pen to paper again!

Getting back into it

I’ve been feeling restless lately so I challenged myself to get back into drawing again.

I could have a big whinge-fest about my motivations: the highs and lows of motherhood; the wanting to feel like I’m achieving something every day; the desire to maintain and build on skills … but firstly, there’s so many other bloggers out there who can do it better than me and secondly, I couldn’t be arsed.

So instead I’ll just show you the picture I drew yesterday. I want to say “I challenged myself to do one drawing every day for [insert appropriate timeframe here]. Here’s Day One.” but why set myself up for failure?

I might do one every day … I might not. You’ll just have to wait and see.

Not to harp on but …

My OCD can’t even deal

I’m tired.

Not just “Whew! I’m pooped!” but really, really tired. That deep-in-your-bones fuzzy head itchy eyeballs what the actual fuck tired. The tired that, unless you’ve had children or a chronic fatigue-type condition (which I’ve had … whilst wrangling a 6 month old, a 2 year old and a 5 year old … dear God, how am I still alive??), you don’t actually know what I’m talking about.

After six pretty easy-going months, Little Miss has decided to become a really shit night sleeper and I am trying desperately to figure out why and how to fix it.

On the plus side, her day naps have improved considerably …

I told NIH I was fine but perhaps that’s overstretching the truth a little, as an incident this morning may have proved.

We’ve moved to a larger place, which means we have a spare room for visitors.  It’ll be so much nicer having visitors now  in an actual house rather than three tiny rooms and an even tinier bathroom but we still suffered a of lack of bedding. The double blow-up mattress has had few complaints so far but there are times when we need to pull out the old single mattress from under our bed to accommodate more bodies.

For some visitors, a mattress on the floor is ok. It’s a pretty comfy inner spring mattress of an ample size – I’m now suspecting a King Single after this mornings’ efforts – but for others, it’s a little harder getting down and back up from that level.

Which is why we thought investing in a single bed frame and having the bed set up permanently made perfect sense. After all, Little Miss will eventually be sleeping in it … if she ever deigns to sleep again.

We ordered one of a reasonable cost and elegant design and it arrived the other day. Sweet.

I put it all together yesterday and it’s really solid and stable and looks good. Even sweeter.

After yet another disgraceful night of broken sleep, I thought I’d haul out the mattress and make it up today – even though our visitors don’t arrive until next week – so that NIH has somewhere to retreat to in the meantime when the all-night part-ay gets too much. After all, the poor guy has to go to work and act reasonably coherent whereas I stay home with a small person cares little if I’m coherent or not as long as I feed her. Sometimes I can even sneak in a nap if the planets all align.

So I dragged that cumbersome bastard out from under the bed and into the spare room. A touch more exercise than I’d prefer with so little sleep – it made my head spin a little but so far so good.

I lined it up next to the bed frame. All systems apparently are go, Houston.

Now, just to take a deep breath and lift that heavy mofo up and slide it on …

Fudge popsicles. It’s about an inch too long.

Not to be outdone, I puffed and squeezed and managed to slot it in between the header and footer … but it kinda looks like a caterpillar doing the wave. I could have cried.

I may have cried ….